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Just when I thought my office romance with Ooto Friday was begining the take shape my heart was struck a mighty blow.  My office, in all their wisdom and trickery, decided to fire me.  There were motives behind this which I will not go into, but in the end I can sum it all up by saying I took it in the ass.  I was shocked, but more because I was suddenly presented with the harsh reality that I may never see my pathetic office romance with Ooto blossom into a pathetic short lived relationship.  I was notified of the end of my duties over the phone, in the evening, as to avoid an awkward confrontation at work.  In other words, my office is full of pussies.  They asked me not to come in and collect my things, but to wait patiently for the US mail to deliver them promptly 5-10 business days later.  I said "fuck that".  I had a hilarious cartoon of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes that I couldn’t dare part with.  It supplied me with laughter everyday at work, and now in my darkest moment I needed that cartoon more than ever.  So I decided to go to work and get my things myself and face-off with those who provided me with this fate of unemployment.  A chill filled the office as I passed former colleagues in the hall.  I was like a gunslinger at high noon who just breezed in through the creaky saloon doors, or in my case the mailroom.  Some ran and hid, others tried to play it off like they weren’t eager to see some kind of Jerry Maguire moment take place.  The vibe was HOT!  My cubicle was empty.  "Where’s my stuff!" I asked.  My boss, the scorpion woman Erin Roalstadt, had it, but was afraid to come down and give it to me so one of her little flying monkeys went to get my things instead.  As I waited I saw her.  My Ooto.  She was sitting in her cubicle working and looking sexy in her little Ooto gear.  I realized this is it.  As soon as my things arrived I would be escorted out of the building never to see her again.  There was no more time.  I had waited long enough.  I had to forget about the whole "Ooto" thing, and the dog shit, and the cockroach in the bathroom, and my kiyaking fables, and just put it out there.  So I did.  I walked to her cubicle and stood before her.  "Hi!" she said, perky as always, and oblivious to the fact that I had been fired.  So I went for it.  "Hey.  I’m not working here anymore, and I know this sounds a bit strange, but would like to go out sometime?"  Silence.  She was taken off gaurd, anticipating small talk and getting served with a family sized helping of Mike rench game!  "Uh… wow, I’m flattered…" SHE WAS FLATTERED! "…but I’m kind of seeing somebody right now."  FUCK!  "But thanks anyway."  I sighed, then smiled and said my good-byes.  It was at that moment my personal belongings were delivered to me by the scorpion woman’s minion and it was time for me to leave.  As I walked out I glanced back at Ooto.  She rose up in her cubicle and gave me a little wave.  And that was the end of it.  So it wasn’t a good day, or a good story for that matter.  I lost my job, I lost my beloved Ooto, and I lost a little bit of dignity, but at least I tried, and for that I feel okay.  I have to admit that I’ll miss Ooto and our little awkward exchanges and I think (if she’s not already making jokes about me around the water cooler) that she will too.  But in the end it doesn’t really matter, she’s just an office crush.

I am pleased to report that since the heartbreaking "dog poo" incident there has been progress!  Ooto (I’ve decided I’m just calling her Ooto because Lisa is too damn difficult to remember) approached me in the hallway and asked about my weekend plans, perhaps implying "we should do something together!".  In an effort to look popular I said "Man, I don’t know. There’s so many things going on." to which she replied "Like what?", which was the point when I began to just blatantly lie.  "I’m going kiyaking" I said.  She was impressed by this.  "Kiyaking? Really? That’s awesome!"  Somehow I managed to shift the conversation from my faux-kiyaking exploits to my roommates being in Norway and me having the house all to myself.  She countered with "I’m all alone tonight too".  I suddenly became really uncomfortable.  Was she seriously implying that we do something together, or was this the biggest mind-fuck in history?  I couldn’t read her.  What was the right play?  I wanted to call a "time out" and call my friend Q-Dreams who is a serious gamer, but there was no time.  I just blanked.  "Well, have a good weekend" she said, and walked away.  And just like that it was over.  I went back to the mailroom and pondered these new developments.  At the very least she showed interest, and that’s something.  For now I’ll just play it cool…and go shopping for a kiyak.

Yesterday, July 27th 2005, was a great day! After eight long years I finally recieved my Honorable Discharge from the United States Army! BOOYAH! Even though I’ve been out of the service for four years, I was still considered a G.I., and in the event that beat the shit out of someone in a roadhouse bar I could be prosecuted for attempted murder because due to my intense Army training I am considered a lethal weapon. But NOW that’s over and I can kick all the biker roadhouse ass I want and only be prosecuted for assault!!! So tonight I’m hitting happy hour and not stopping until I get arrested running naked down Wilshire Blvd. singing Springsteen songs. I love you U.S.A.!

I think I may have reached the lowest depths of the office crush epic.  My beloved Lisa (who I have since forgiven for leaving me alone in the women’s restroom with a cockroach) approached me with important office related business.  Our conversation quickly turned to casual banter about our weekend and how the savages in my office were making her work on a photo shoot all weekend to which I excalimed "I’ll kill them!".  I must have said it a little too sincerely because she quickly responded with "No, no, no, it’s okay, really…"  Anyway, as conversation and death threats ensued she suddenly froze and looked at me funny. "Is that you?" she asked. "Is what me?" I said. "That smell Mike, what the hell is that?" It was true, there was a smell and sadly it was me.  I had stepped in dog shit on the way to work.  How my one-time uncanny sense of smell missed this all morning I do not know.  All I could think of was my damn neighbor with that horrible shitz-zu/terrier hybrid who keeps leaving little piles on the sidewalk in front of our house, but it was a moot point really because all that mattered now was that I was standing before the woman I loved smelling like dog crap.  "I stepped in shit!" I excalimed.  "I would do something about that." said Lisa as she polietely held her breath and walked away.  Devastated, I headed for the door where I was served the final insult as our maintence guy Miguel Padilla passed me and exclaimed "Whoa! You smell like shit bro!".  Yes, Miguel…I know.

Progress!!! She has spoken to me. As I was brewing a pot of Rainforest Nut (an actual coffee flavor, but which nuts of the rainforest it is flavored with I do not know) she came to me and asked about my weekend. Small talk, yes, but an indicator that all this “Ooto” business is behind us and we can move forward in our burgeoning office romance. In addition to actual verbal communication there came a stratling revelation! The picture of Tom Cruise in her cubicle was intended as a joke! So my comments about scientology and Katie Holmes looking like a rat when she smiles were not lost on her!!! Glorious day! In all this excitement as I’m writing this I realized the Rainforest Nut is dangerously low, so I must amend this Blog later, hopefully with more tales of actual talking and potenially laughter over phoney hollywood romance.

I have been working in my new job for about six weeks. In that time I have made over 700 gallons of coffee, found ways to dodge work and enjoy the daily installment of Tom Cruise making an ass out of himself, and fallen in love with the lanky, marginally attractive, frequently quiet girl who writes copy and pretends to not notice me staring at her. Her name is Lisa and she is my official office crush. Not the typical office crush (i.e. receptionist with big jugs who smiles at you so that for a fleeting second you can pretend you are in her league) but there is something special about Lisa which seperates her from all the previous kill-time-at-work inaftuations of the past. I’m not sure how I know this. I’ve only spoken to her a few times, and the first time I made such a monumental ass of myself that I might as well have been Tom Cruise. It all happened my first week on the job. I was delivering mail to her desk and noticed the name plate on her cubicle. It read “OOTO FRIDAY”. Naturally I assumed her name was Ooto. Little did I know it was an abbreviation for “Out Of The Office Friday”. So, during an ill-fated meeting in the copy room (where I was replacing reems of 8 1/2 X 11) I decided to make a friendly gesture. “Good morning Ooto”, I said. Silence. She looked at me confused and I could see the gears turning in her head as she thought “Did he just call me Ooto? And where the fuck is all the 8 1/2 X 11?” She smiled and said “um… excuse me?”. “Good morning” I said. She smiled and went back to work trying to avoid eye contact with me as I frantically loaded the 8 1/2 X 11 into the copier and got the hell out of there before I could do anymore damage to my infatuation with Ooto…I mean Lisa! I decided talking to her was a bad idea because I’m dumb. So I figured the next best strategy for me was to make friends with Lauren, the girl who shares a cubicle with Lisa. So I did. Lauren and I became fast friends, and I would spend the afternoons lounging around her cubicle and talking shit about Tom Cruise. It was solid, witty banter. I was proud of myself, but Lisa didn’t seem to engage in our conversations. Then I noticed she had a picture of Tom Cruise pinned on her cubicle wall with, and I shit you not, a little heart drawn on it. Strike two! Shortly after Lauren got another job and moved out of Lisa’s cubicle. My one Lisa connection was now gone. I had desparaged her own crush and called her Ooto. I feel that I am doomed. Doomed to live a life without my beloved Lisa. But it’s only a crush, and I suppose crushes are more fun to persue than to actually take seriously. Besides, it gives me more time in the day to watch Tom Cruise destroy his career.